A Year to the Life I Want

Guilt

2010-01-04T08:26:00.000-08:00

I battle with guilt. About everything. And this blasted blog is adding to it. I haven't written in so long -- really why did I do this? (I know, it's not like I have thousands of followers waiting to hear what I'm doing with my life!)

Then it occurred to me -- when I live my last day on this earth, will I wish I blogged more? No. I'll wish I spent even more time doing what I'm doing... living with, loving on and watching my babies.

Living

2009-10-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

My sleepy eyes have been opened. I have been too focused on making each day eventful with some big thing for the boy and girl to be involved in and to remember. (And to be appropriately documented on film!)

But, it's really about the living. Waking up together, breakfast, bath time, laundry and grocery shopping. It's cups of tea, petting dogs, walking around the block, getting the mail. It's living. It's about sharing life.

I am the luckiest person I know. I get to know my kids so deeply. I get to watch them discover and blossom. I get to share the hours, the moments with two fantastic, precious people.

Hearing their duet -- Momma, Momma, Momma -- is more lovely than the pealing bells of Piazza San Marco!

Making the Daily Things Special

2009-09-11T13:13:00.000-07:00

I get so bogged down in taking care of all the basic needs of the girl and boy, that I often don't stop to play.

I noticed myself getting really jealous of the type of time my husband spends with the kids. After a long day of work, he walks in a superhero. Hurray, Dad is home!!! He sweeps the kids off on a walk and tumbles around on the floor with them for a couple of hours.

I seem stuck in the making meals, giving baths, dressing, changing diapers mode. I want to play. I want to want to play! And I'm sure my babies would be thrilled by more fun.

But, since I am the primary care-giver during the day, I can't stop fixing lunch or brushing teeth. So, I've decided I'm going to make a conscious effort to make these daily things fun. I want to make an adventure out of things that we have to do.

And so to begin, we played Mini Pizza Pesto Factory. The boy watched and clapped as the girl and I whipped out lunch assembly-line style.

Laughter, togetherness and yummy food. Fun, yes, fun.

Amazing Love

2009-09-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

I never imagined the depth of love I'd have for my children. I never knew how unbearable it would be to watch them struggle.

The boy and girl are both sick this week. As the night settles, their symptoms bloom making for a restless night. Even when they sleep, I am half-awake next to them listening for each breath, snapping up at each cough.

The illness is not life-threatening. But that possible story plays over in my mind. And I can't stand the outcome. It is with these thoughts that I realize that I must place them in God's hands. They belong to Him. I am only His servant keeping them for a while. (Thank You for the privilege, Lord!) What a tender, meaningful, valuable position.

Nothing has made me run to the Lord more quickly, more frequently than being a mother. No experience or responsibility in my life has made me more aware of my failings and my need for the almighty God to lift me up, guide me, transform me.

These are not just two little copies of our faces. They clearly mirror our personalities, our actions, our words. Sometimes it is a hilarious representation, but too often a guilty reflection of our inadequacies.

So everyday, there is a stream of prayer from my heart to the heavens. Please God, help me love them, discipline them, teach them according to Your will and Your way. And everyday, He answers. He transforms. He protects. He provides.

Proverbs 31 Woman

2009-09-03T09:56:00.001-07:00

If this is the goal, no wonder each moment is so daunting. I'm barely scratching the surface.

The Wife of Noble Character - Proverbs 31:10-31

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Moving on

2009-09-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what I expected. Some big changes? Some a-ha moments? Instead, I'm trudging through the goals. Struggling. Everything is a struggle.

But, I'm moving forward. On to the next goal. I need a break from this trying to be an excellent wife stuff. Maybe if I quit trying, it will just come. Nope. Not for me. Remember, everything is a struggle. It's the story of my life.

Coupon Coup

2009-08-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

I was last on the subject of helping my hard-working hubby's paycheck stretch veil-thin. And so, I just have to share my recent victory! Kroger held a special couponing event Saturday --- doubling coupons up to a dollar.

I spent about two hours in the store. After three transactions at checkout, I had spent $70 on $305 worth. The basket was piled high and I left with about 25 bags of various groceries and household items. Here's a peek:

All of these items were free!

Under $0.50 each

$0.50 to $1

Various discounts

If you'd like to find out how this works, email me!

Making money work

2009-08-02T15:49:00.000-07:00

My husband works very hard to provide a comfortable, secure life for us. He's extremely dedicated to his career, but is always careful to keep his priorities in order. He creatively approaches ways to increase our resources so we can do the things that matter to us.

When I left my professional position to stay home full-time to raise our children (just the girl at the time), I viewed my new venture as both a privilege and a job. The longer I am at home, the more I discover about what I can do to support my husband's efforts outside the home.

My latest endeavor is to stretch our dollars buying groceries and household items. It has become a game of sorts. And the results have been nothing less than thrilling!

I began by using a trial run of services at www.thegrocerygame.com . (If you want to sign up, please let me know so I can give you some referral information.) I talked with others about couponing, stockpiling and saving. And discovered more resources:

www.yourcouponbuddy.com

www.couponing101.com

www.coupons.com

It takes some time. Cutting and sorting and saving coupons. Readying lists. Making the shopping trips with two kids in tow. But, it has made me feel like I'm making a significant financial contribution. I'm proud to be wisely using the money that my husband has worked so hard to earn. And there's great satisfaction in knowing that we're getting so much for so little! At this point, we're saving 40-60% on average. Some trips are even more successful. Try it. What's not to love about saving money?

Discovery!

2009-07-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

I've got it. He wants, needs, loves quality time. Good luck, Big Daddy. Remember, we have two kids under the age of three. I don't have time to pee by myself. You really think I have time to listen to you recount a conversation you had at the office? I want to. I really want to!

There was a time. Before children. We would cuddle on the couch watching TV, reading, chatting. We'd take walks and talk and dream and laugh. We could get through an entire movie in one sitting, drink wine and discuss it. We could knock out a crossword in no time over coffee and scrambled eggs. We could both be ready to walk out of the house for a date (yes, a date!) in half an hour. We could be completely selfish and nobody would notice... or care.

Back to the discovery. I managed to have both kids fed, bathed and in bed asleep by 9:30 last night. I walked in the den where J sat munching on mixed nuts and watching CNN's Black in America 2. Hmm. Make the choice woman, I thought. I can say good night and retreat to my retreat, read my new novel and slip into sleep. Or I can sit down and engage. Listen. Talk. Be.

"You want some chocolate chip cookies?" I asked.

"No, I've been snacking," he answered eyes focused on the TV.

I walked to the kitchen and scooped giant spoons of cookie dough onto the pan. I mashed a handful of walnuts into each cookie and set the pan in the oven. Then back to the den. I sat down and watched for a couple of minutes.

"What is this about?" I asked. He hit the pause button, turned to me and let it flow. Warm and interesting words floated across the room, wrapped me in fondness and pulled me in. I listened and watched and listened more.

The timer beeped, I rescued the cookies and returned with hot, gooey goodness and an icy glass of milk.

"Let's watch something funny," he said and selected a recording of America's Got Talent.

There was laughter. There were groans. And a steady stream of commentary. There were two stomachs full of sweetness. Oh, and hearts, too. There was a wonderful back rub for me even though his back hurt, too. There was togetherness. There was quality time and he was happy.

"Momma," the girl yelled from her room. "Momma, Momma, Momma." A bad dream? The discovery that she was alone in her room?

I hopped up and rushed to the bedroom. Too late. The boy joined in the chorus.

I gathered my chicks and clucked and cooed and calmed them. Where? In my bed. J came in and helped get us settled.

"Good night," we said. Great night.

F is for Flailing

2009-07-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm pretty much failing at my best laid plans! I can't even manage to get the hello-goodbye kisses out! Not because I don't want to, but I'm just so preoccupied with...well, changing diapers, nursing J, keeping the kids' screaming down to a minimum so the neighbors don't call the police, entertaining S and J, cleaning the house, doing laundry, brushing teeth, fixing food, feeding dogs, and the list goes on...

I have managed to fix J's lunch four of five days this week!

There has been NO feet rubbing or hand-holding. I've worked in a few hugs and kisses though.

Gifts? Don't even ask. That would require making a daring trip into a store or taking my eyes of the kids long enough to create something that resembles a gift.

And what was to be the finale of the week -- date night. Down the tubes. Nixed by J himself. 'Cause he's going out of town. It's the thought that counts, right?

And there's always next week. And my husband still likes me, I think.

What does he want?

2009-07-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

I had this lovely idea. A way to encourage my husband and fill him with confidence and (just the right amount of) ego. I began to write notes to him on the bathroom mirror. And I'd include a Bible verse, too.

You are my hero! Thank you for going out into the world everyday to provide a comfortable, safe, blessed life for us. Love, S.

We are so proud of you. We can't wait to be with you everyday. You make our lives joyful! Love, S, S and J.

You are one sexy man. I am one lucky woman. Love, S.

I did this nearly everyday for weeks. I had an occasional response. Nice. Hmm. Thoughtful. So, I just came out and asked one day.

"What do you think of the notes, sweetie? Do you like them?"

"Well, honestly, Shannon," he answered. "It's kind of psycho. It's like I'm getting these really spooky, Fatal Attraction messages from someone."

Psycho? Someone? I wanted to scream. It had taken time, creativity and tenderness to get up every morning and leave a love note for him to find. Wow. I was stunned. I didn't retaliate or argue or cry or explain. I just stopped.

So, what does he want? If that's not doing it, what will? A friend suggested I read something that might give me a clue. The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Here they are: Words of Affirmation (clearly not my husband's love language!), Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch.

Apparently, we each have a love language, a way (or two) in which we express and feel love. And it seems, we usually try to love in the same language that makes us feel loved. So, one of my love languages is Words of Affirmation.

Now, I'm on a mission to discover my sweetheart's love languages. There is no way he'll just open the book and take the quiz. It's not a scientific process, I'm just winging it. But, we'll see what seems to make him happiest, most responsive.

For Quality Time, I'm going to set up a date night for us this weekend. No kids. No dogs. Just us.

For Receiving Gifts, I'm going to leave him a small, personal gift a couple of times this week.

For Acts of Service, I'm going to make his lunch to take to work everyday.

For Physical Touch, I'm going to rub his feet while he watches television. I'm going to kiss him hello and goodbye, and hold his hand when we are near.

It's clear, I'll be exhausted by week's end. But if he's smiling, so am I.

Need the armor

2009-07-10T14:03:00.000-07:00

I don't diet. It makes me crazy. The mere idea turns me into a voracious consumer of anything off limits! I rail against the self-induced limits.

And this rebellious response seems to be a pattern with me.

As soon as I publicly made the statement that I want to be an excellent wife, a crown to my husband, the lofty idea began to crumble. The level of stress in our home escalated. The level of irritation in my heart soared. And the fighting began.

Hmm. I confided in my friends and got the feedback I expect from those that love me but won't let me get away with anything.

"It's spiritual warfare," one said. "Satan wants marriages and families to fail."

Another friend's astute observation made me cringe. "Perhaps God wants to see if you are serious about being an excellent wife, Shannon."

Words are powerful, I decided. Action even more so. Make a statement for good and watch the opposition rally. If you move forward, prepare for the attack.

I don't have anything to prove. I really just want a loving, unified marriage. My part in this is being the wife God desires me to be, the wife my husband needs. I don't want perfection. I want contentment.

My own rebellious nature? The devil at work? God's purification process? Whatever it is, I'm not about to stop.

Get out of the way! I have the whole armor of God. Ephesians 6:10-17

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

A long way to go

2009-07-02T10:02:00.000-07:00

So I began with my first goal of knowing God and His plans for me. I expected the mystical unveiling of a new path, a new project, a new purpose. Instead, He began to uncover the barriers in my heart, the baggage in my closet. I'm grateful. It means He's answering my prayer and drawing me closer. I'll keep you posted on how He speaks throughout the year. Now, on to goal #2.

Fear

2009-06-26T20:04:00.000-07:00

They come at night -- the fearful, anxious thoughts. Of all the evil in the world. Of what can happen. Of what does happen. Twisted people and their abuse of the innocent. The true stories I've heard. The ones I imagine.

And because my children are my greatest gift from God (aside from my salvation!), the possibility of any of these things happening to them sends me into a panic, a vigilance that steals my peace and hardens my heart.

I'm awake at night, the dread filling even my stomach. Acid in my throat.

Pray it away, I think. I begin, but visions distract me. A child stolen; snuffed. A man full of anger, compulsion, regret.

And I realize: You love them both, God. Oh! You love them both. How can You? How can I trust You, a God who loves the innocent and the guilty with the same fervency?

"I don't trust You," I say.

"You don't," He answers in my heart.

I want answers. "If I don't trust You, how can I move deeper with You? How can I really know You?"

"You can't," again His answer, I don't want to hear. "You must trust Me -- regardless of this world and it's ills, regardless of your experience, regardless of your fears. You must trust Me."

"But, you trust by experience," I scream.

"No, you trust by faith," He whispers.

"Give me faith," I pray. "Give me faith."

Dream

2009-06-18T12:24:00.000-07:00

I awoke devastated and unable to control my tears. Messy, loud, agonizing tears. I slipped out of bed and tiptoed across the house, praying-- God help me, God help me. I didn't want to alarm my kids or husband with the emotional waterfall so I settled on the floor of the laundry room, back to the wall, head against the cool metal of the dryer and cried and cried. My mind replayed the dream, never accepting as reality the images it projected.

It was a dream about Zoe, my precious Boxer. She died on May 17, 2008. I was so grieved that for months I could not control my pain and tears at the thought of her. And still, I miss her so deeply. Even as I write these words, the crushing sensation in my chest and throat draws me back to that painful, dark day.

In the dream, she was sick, as she had been for over a year before she died. But in this instance, I was unable to care for her and I pleaded with my parents to take care of her until she died. Only after losing her, did I discover that they did not take care of her, but gave her to someone, a stranger, without a thought of what might happen. I was so enraged by the betrayal and so deeply pained by the idea that Zoe had been abandoned by us all that I began beating and scratching my father and mother. Their faces were soon bloody, but they said nothing.

Of course, this is not an accurate portrayal of my folks, how I feel about them or what happened with Zoe. It didn't make sense, but it was so real, so terrifyingly real. The loss, the guilt, the anger welled up and poured out in my tears. I willed myself to get it together and my tears slowly subsided. I crawled back in bed, my two little ones sleeping soundly on either side of my still-warm spot. As soon as I rested my head on the pillow, the punching, relentless pain surfaced, I gasped and began the wailing again. Back to the laundry room.

"What, God?," I whispered. "What is this? Help me, please, help me."

Then into my mind, new thoughts. A Bible study by Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer and Kay Arthur that I had completed this spring. And a Bible verse that I would never claim as my own.

"These people come near to me with their mouths and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." Isaiah 29:13

"Oh, God," I cried. "No! I have not withheld my heart from You, have I?"

Silence.

"Please forgive me," I said again and again.

This dream was not about anger toward my precious, loving parents. This dream was about anger toward my precious, loving God. This dream was revelation of my (as Beth Moore says) devastation with God.

How long have I held my heart far from the Lord? Has it been just this year? Since the loss of Zoe? Has it been since the loss of three miscarried babies, the loss of a marriage I had placed my hopes in? Have I removed my heart in steps? Drawing it farther away with each disappointment?

In the study, Beth Moore says that God is not interested in adjusting our lives. He wants us transformed. And, to do that, requires us to move past our devastation with Him.

I stepped out on this journey, my first desire to know God and His plans for me. I asked for it, never really understanding that as I spoke this desire, I held my heart in the distance.

Change in Format

2009-06-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

It's already clear to me that a week to focus on a goal is not long enough. I don't want this to be a superficial exercise! So, I'm extending the period to two weeks per goal. We'll see how that works. This is all about discovery! Thanks for staying with me.

Closer to God

2009-06-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." James 4:8

I have a desperate need to feel closer to God. I want an experience of the senses that tells me He is near. Though I believe true faith in God is based on the unseen and not an emotional encounter, I think we are made to desire a physical connection as well as a spiritual one.

Singing praises does it for me almost every time. When my mind, heart and body are united in song, praising God and worshipping His greatness, I feel a fullness, a joy, a washing of peace and contentment that is unmistakable.

Yesterday, the kids and I turned on the music of Matt Redman and sang along. We danced and twirled and filled our hearts and our home with joy. The same expression of awe and pleasure in my soul was cast on the faces of my little girl and boy. We stepped closer to God in our act of worship and He moved closer to us.

If you want a great read on the subject of worship -- so much more than singing to the Lord -- read this article by Chip Ingram.

I'm stuck

2009-06-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

My precious girl and I planted tomato seedlings several weeks ago. We found the perfect sunny spot, prepared the pots and soil, gingerly placed the plants, watered and waited. And watered and waited. And waited. Nothing happened. They haven't grown at all. Literally, not at all. They still look alive. But, they have not grown. They are stuck.

I was so mystified that I had to do a little research. It seems that they are not getting the right nutrients. Not because the soil wasn't rich in all the required stuff, but because the environment wasn't warm enough for the plants to take in what was right there for them.

I feel stuck, too. I'm alive, doing okay, but I'm not growing. I don't know how that's possible considering I've gone through some major life changes in the past five years -- divorce, new job, new house, remarriage, job loss, first child, move to a new city, new house, second child. But, that's just the thing: there are all these things surrounding me that should be causing great growth, but the condition of my heart, shut down to God, is keeping me from moving higher, going deeper, growing stronger.

It may be a weak analogy, but that is where my mind roved as the tomato mystery unfolded. I've got to be plugged in, really connected, to my God so all these things in this life will do the work on my soul. I've got to be open for Him to give me the good stuff!

Getting to know God

2009-06-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

Developing a relationship with God is not magic. (Though the process of change and growth is supernatural!) You get to know Him the way you get to know anyone, really. You spend time with Him. You talk to Him. You listen to Him. You walk with Him through life. You witness what He does and how He does it. You build trust, faith and commitment. It takes love and a desire to know Him, a seeker's heart! (Proverbs 8:17)

And so, though I've been walking with God (sometimes closely, sometimes at a distance) for most of my life, I'm drawing near again. I'm spending time with Him. I have a renewed sense of excitement about what He has to say to me personally and to the world. I'm reading His Word, the Bible. And asking Him to reveal Himself to me.

This week, I pulled out my One Year Bible and started again, reading in I Kings. Solomon has succeeded his father David as king. He builds a temple for the Lord, places the ark of the covenant within and God's presence filled the temple.

It happened that when the priests came from the holy place, the cloud filled the house of the Lord, so that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud, for the glory of the Lord filled the house of the Lord. 1 Kings 8:10-11

In the New Testament, Paul teaches that we are God's temple.

Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?
1 Corinthians 3:16

When I offer myself to God, open my heart, my life, my all to Him, He dwells in me. Like in the temple of old, His presence fills me. Now that's a relationship like no other!

Beginning

2009-06-09T18:29:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me! And this year, it's a biggie. 4-0. Wow. (I swear I'm still 26-- maybe even 19.) With it comes celebration and reflection. Deep reflection.

I've been thinking about what I really want in life, what I want to accomplish, how I want to live. These thoughts are not new, just particularly stirring this year. I'm ready to commit to doing something about what I'm thinking. I've been treading life's water. I've been taking care of the immediate, the seemingly urgent. In the process, I've been neglecting what is deeply important...what I really want.

"You don't change things forever with the same old song and dance." --Anonymous

Today, I'm beginning a year-long journey to the life I want. Each week, I will have a goal focused on what I want along with a prayer seeking God's will for that desire. (An 'I want' statement and prayer will appear each week in the right column.) I trust God's plans for me and desire to have the life He wants for me. (Jeremiah 29:11) I also know that when I delight in God, He will give me the desires of my heart. (Psalm 37:4)

Several times a week, I'll post updates on what I'm doing to reach the current goal. And, along the way, I'll post special updates on what I'm doing in regards to previous week's goals.

Though this is my personal journey, I hope you'll be inspired to set out on your own journey to living the life you want. Grab the blog button and let everyone know that you are on the journey, too!

Grab this text and paste it into the sidebar of your blog:

I welcome your comments and ideas. I'm making myself vulnerable and accountable and I pray you'll be gracious with my heart. Let me know about your journey-- let's do this together and change things forever.

Coming Soon!

2009-05-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

Launching the journey on Tuesday, June 9. Hope you'll join me!